`Batter my heart, three-personed God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o’erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but Oh, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy:
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.´
John Donne – Batter My Heart
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace….
Prayer of St. Francis
We are the builders of our lives, not the architect.
Marianne Williamson
`You need to quit playing God!´ This is what I heard more than once in my early years of recovery from alcoholism. It precipitated an undifferentiated jolt, like an earthquake deep under the sea bed, although the meaning of the statement, and the associated possible consequences, went way over my head. Perhaps I did not want to understand.
Around the same time, I came across the idea that `Religion was for those who wanted to go the Heaven and Spirituality was for those who had already been in Hell´. I could relate to that, having had some direct experience of Hell in my childhood and, later, in the years of active alcoholism.
It is first important to point out that, in the recovery group which ultimately became my `tribe´ , we were encouraged to find our own image of God, as we understood God, preferably a loving image. The reason why religion had never worked for me was that I flatly refused to buy into another´s image of God. I had done the rounds, checked them out, and found them all wanting. Also, in my childhood, the gap between the aspirations of the devout and their behaviour between Sunday masses did not go unnoticed.
The fuse of my Spirituality was lit early, perhaps very early, as I became be-wondered and aware of my one-ness with Nature as a very young child. It was fortified in my early teens when one of my favourite English teachers introduced us to the minds and hearts of the metaphysical poets.
The term “metaphysical,” as applied to English and continental European poets of the seventeenth century, was originally used by Augustan poets John Dryden and Samuel Johnson to reprove those poets for their “unnaturalness.” But I sensed they were on to something big. `Yes!´, I thought, `these people feel what I feel; I am with them´.
But my later adolescence saw the beginning of idolatry. Idolatry seems a concept from faraway shores but simply means prioritising people, places, or things above our relationship with our Creator, Gaia or whatever name we choose to use. In my case it was sex and drugs and rock´n´roll! This is quite common and very human, except that many people seem to grow out of it and move on to building their lives. Not for me! I dropped out of college, emigrated and began teaching languages part-time, such that an extended student-like existence was guaranteed into my late twenties. Then, in the eyes of others, I straightened out and stepped into the responsibilities of family life. Our two children came within the space of two years. This phase of my life was both challenging and very rewarding. However, old idols were replaced by new idols; work, success, attention, and validation. I was cruising along pretty well; the typical tale of the highly functioning alcoholic.
Since my late twenties I had begun therapy and became interested in meditation, and all things spiritual. Impressed by the wonderful ideas of the ancient Mystics and modern Spiritual Masters, I established a regular practice which, no doubt, counteracted some of the damage I was doing by excessive alcohol and weed consumption. My opinion of myself, needless to say, was that of a highly evolved spiritual being.
Shortly before my crash and burn in my early forties, I had a dream in which it became clear to me that I thought God was a wonderful phenomenon and that I would be very happy to hire God in my company as Head of some department or other. This came as a great shock, shaking my self image to the very foundations. I knew something had to change.
As it turned out, the changes were more or less forced upon me, by a series of events in the long, hot summer of 2003. The Universe seems to have her way of doing this. At the end of that year most of what I had spent so much energy building up was gone; family, home, career, reputation, and self-confidence. Burned out, unemployed, unemployable, and living alone in a tiny apartment for the first time in my life, I was trying to stay clean and dry solely on the basis of will power. One day, on realising this was doomed to failure, I admitted I was powerless over my addictions and reached out for help.
Since that time, despite multiple setbacks, I have stayed abstinent and grown in serenity and Spirit, one day at a time, with the kind help of peers, mentors, teachers and therapists, those who understand that recovery is ultimately of right-sizing the ego (deflation) and the divine aspect (emergence) which, together, are at the core of each human being.
Merely knowing this, in terms of cognition, is insufficient; it needs to be put into action. Indeed, knowing and embellishing the knowledge (with even more knowledge) without grasping and developing a new way of living can be a great hindrance on this path. In Ireland, we say someone can be `too smart for their own good´. This is often true in my case. I need a daily practice to connect with the Ultimate Source, to ask for guidance, and strength and the willingness to carry this out.
While remaining diligent in this practice, it seems that I can still be the hidden saboteur of my own progress. This has to do with my attitude. Recently, a friend shared her now discarded concept of a Higher Power. She said this Power was like a chauffer who drove her around at her bidding in an elegant limousine.
This gave me cause for reflection last week during my annual five-day period of spring fasting. Yes, this is a challenging time for all of us. Yes, I find myself at yet another crossroads in my life (does it never let up?); I have no idea where, in twelve months time, I will be living or with whom, what I will be doing or how I will be earning my living. I had drawn up a list of plans and goals and knew exactly how these needed to unfold in order to succeed, never doubting that this was the will of the Great Spirit. Last week however, it became clear to me why the tension had been steadily building up, in mind, body and spirit. I had begun to harbour grievances against the Great Spirit because things were not panning out as I deemed wise and necessary. My trust in the primordeal source had evaporated without me realising this.
Another uncomfortable enlightening moment! When I saw it, I had to grin at my self. Here I go again, playing God.
In today’s (Day 71) Lesson from A Course In Miracles – `Only God’s plan for salvation will work´ – , we read: `The ego’s plan for salvation centres around holding grievences. It maintains that, if someone else spoke or acted differently, if some external circumstance or event were changed, you would be saved. Thus the source of salvation is constantly perceived as outside yourself…… If this were different, I would be saved.´
It was clearly time to let go and reset.
And I did. Now, having broken my fast, I feel cleansed and substantially unburdened, both spiritually and physically. The tension is gone, along with the angst and the fretting. These have been replaced with serenity and a trust that, as long as I keep doing my footwork to the best of my ability each day, the Great Spirit will arrange the outcomes in line with the greater good. And for today, that is good enough for me.
