Boundaries
It is incredulous that we survived such experiences as children. The abuse was bad enough, but the icing on the cake was the fact that no one was there to turn to for solace, for protection, for understanding, for solidarity, for a comforting hug. I dared not bring it up with my parents for fear that a second round of punishment would ensue. This stance emanated from my observation of how my parents treated older siblings in similar circumstances. I was smarter than that, I surmised. Into that trap I would not fall. It is this “no one being there for us in our time of need” which is described by Gabor Maté as the “über wound”…
Vulnerability
It was all those jagged edges that bewildered and overwhelmed me, that had me on the run almost from the time that I had learned to walk. Now I can see that these were the product of the unexpressed grief, the denial, and the crazy making which characterized the family in which I grew up. There was no one there to hold me with my jagged edges, so I simply covered them over in the hope of avoiding further mutilation. When we hide things from others for long enough, they become hidden from us too. Yet beneath the armour, the wounds continue to ache. And then they begin to fester. Only when the pain becomes intolerable do we cry out for hope.
Relationships
Having grown up in circumstances in which we often felt unsafe or even threatened, we are always in a stance of defensiveness and high alert, parrying the balls that life hurls at us, non stop, in the cosmic pinball machine, never having or taking the time necessary to bring sufficient awareness to the situation, the awareness that would enable a creative, conscious response. We soon became exhausted and chose, as a survival strategy, to tune out of the insufferable pain we carried deep inside, in every tissue of our bodies. The irony is that we need to encounter, embrace, and transcend this pain if we are to get well. The prerequisite is that we relinquish the old habits of “zoning out”; be they by means of ingesting substances or engaging in addictive processes, or both…
Edie
Edie didn’t let fear dictate her thoughts, emotions, or actions. Not for long, at any rate. When she was first invited to speak at a post-war convention in Germany, at the Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camp in 1990, she refused. After some conversations with Bela, however, she changed her mind with the perspicuous explanation: “If I don’t go it would mean that Hitler had won after all!” This ability to discern what was driving her intentions, and her willingness to change course whenever she discovered that fear was lurking in the shadows pulling the strings; this awareness and vitality has always inspired me. It is something which can be cultivated on a daily basis…
The Big Picture
Having moved our focus to the body, – a more healthy form of being “out of our heads” – we can engage our deeper Self through the heart, and shift to any one or combination of the five so-called Sage Powers: Compassion (Empathise), Explore, Innovate, Navigate, and Activate. Each of these is a manifestation of one of the many facets of love. Compassion is the love of connection. Explore is the love of discovery. Innovate is the love of creativity. Navigate is the love of values and purpose. Finally, Activate is the love of making a difference, of converting ideas and intention into actions…
Scapegoating
On the definition of sin, I can remember many lessons in junior school where countless examples of sin were expounded by the elderly Jesuits in whose care our education was placed. Original sin, venial sins, mortal sins, white lies, etc. Egged on by my classmates, I would distract the teachers from our regular school work by asking to which category this or that deed (or thought) belonged. Today, I prefer the definition of sin provided by Richard Rohr, contemporary Christian mystic, namely “missing the mark”. This implies that our thoughts, emotions, or deeds are not in alignment with our deeply held values…
Metanoia
Richard Rohr, a leading contemporary mystic, says — when speaking about childhood trauma — that we have only two choices: “We can either transform or transmit (to the next generation)”.
I am so grateful for the many modalities for transformation which have emerged in our lifetime: The ACA Programme, the Positive Intelligence (PQ) Mental Fitness Programme, Polyvagal Theory, Emotional Freedom (tapping) Technique (EFT), various forms of Somatic Trauma Therapy, and more. We truly live in a Golden Age, in terms of the resources available to us, and their ready accessibility to anyone who wishes to partake of them…
Patterns
“In to me see.” True intimacy is one of the greatest challenges for me. As with all of the new behaviours, it gets easier with practice, that is daily practice. For any transformation process – if it is to be successful and sustained over time – is made up of 20% insights and 80% practice. That is the key. And remember, it is not true that: “Practice makes perfect” (for that is the Judge Saboteur coming in through the back door again,) but rather that: “Practice makes for progress.”
Panic!
How many of us have done this in our own lives? We get hurt, betrayed, lied to, or abandoned, and instead of healing, we obsess on the apparent cause of our suffering. We replay conversations. We wait for apologies that may never come. We try to explain ourselves to people who have already shown us they could never truly listen. We pour our energy into understanding the one who hurt us (so we can better manipulate their thoughts, feelings, and actions) instead of caring for the part of us that has been wounded. The truth is simple, even if uncomfortable: Some people bite because they are in the grip of their fear-driven Saboteurs. Systems driven by fear wound because that’s how they are designed…
Mind The Gap!
My general observations lead me to conclude that we are either in autopilot and react in line with the coping mechanisms and survival strategies we developed before our fourth birthday (approximately) or, having developed sufficient awareness, mindfulness, and mental fitness, we learn to pause before responding to whatever stimuli cross our paths in a conscious, loving manner – beneficial to the healing, growth, and joy of all concerned. The term “autopilot” may be considered charitable. Some would call it “sleepwalking through life” (Dr Allen Berger) or even refer to a “Zombie” existence. And of course, this is not an all-or-nothing phenomenon…
