My severe lack of trust and incapacity for honesty rank among the gravest inevitable consequence of active addiction, especially when sustained over long periods of time. On waking up out of a blackout, for example, I often promised myself that I would `never do this again´, knowing full well, deep down inside, that it was only going to be a matter of time until the next one…
My mind went back to the final months of my Dad’s life in the summer and autumn of 1977. At sixteen, I was the oldest child at home and spent much of my time at his bedside, in conversation, reading to him, and attending to his needs. Over those months, though I did not realise it at the time, he was sharing a very precious gift with me in showing how we can embrace the end of our incarnation in gratitude and with both dignity and humility…
We humans are, at birth, the most vulnerable of mammals. Whereas the foal will spring up and walk around directly after birth, we humans need almost a full year to even begin to learn how to walk upright. This is just one example. Our initial helplessness and absolute need of protection and nurturing is one of the things that differentiates us from our mammal cousins. It requires of us, as parents and carers, to expend great time, energy, and loving-care, to meet the needs and ensure the survival of our offspring in the early phases of childhood…
While my bravado helped me do many things and achieve ambitious goals in life, my fears drove me further and further away from knowing, and therefore, loving myself. Substance addiction to alcohol and marijuana, which started in my mid teens, seems to have maintained this strange equilibrium, and enabled me, for many years, to remain functional. Seen from afar, my life was a model of success when I finally crashed and burned in the year 2003, at the age of 42…
Where to begin? All this commotion about a Happy New Year seems oddly out of place for a person like me who believes that every day is New Year’s Day. On waking in the morning, I generally feel a surge of gratitude for having been granted one more day on this amazing planet. When I succeed in remaining open-hearted and in that grateful frame of mind, the day seems to work out well. Real accomplishments, mostly minor, sometimes major, present themselves for review before my eyes close, as yet another day comes to a conclusion.
In another example of loyalty to location, Ken Robinson explained in one of his wonderful public talks that seven of his eight great-grandparents were born within one square mile of Liverpool. That´s a case of solid roots for you! Over the past five generations, my family, on the other hand, has lived on every continent on the planet…
Before I begin, it is important to note that I love science. Many years of my working life were spent helping break new ground in using light to transport data, namely in the Research and Development of optical transmission systems. Working with some of the best brains in Bell Labs, we delivered the world’s first 2.5Gbit/s optical fibre transmission systems for the Olympic Games in Barcelona in 1992. This required a laser that could switch on and off 2,500 times per second, among other audacious capabilities…
One memory from this period is seeing a ghost at the door of my bedroom and feeling the despair of powerlessness in the face of such a terrible threat. When, on occasion, an older sibling or adult came into the dark bedroom and turned on a light, it became evident that the object of my fearful fantasies was a dressing gown hung on the door…
The second encounter was with a person who insists on seeing the glass half empty rather than half full. This lady is constantly battling a sense of doom and depression, talks incessantly about having to do this and having to do that, while passive-aggressively lamenting her lack of freedom. The hilltop at play here is that of the victim in a world apparently characterised by scarcity. This has been going on for years, with no visible improvement in the quality of her life…
One day, however, at the age of eleven or twelve, I left home on a Sunday evening, ostensibly to go to evening mass, but with the conscious intention of putting the contention to the test. Honestly, I waited for a while, petrified, for a bolt of lightning to strike me from the heavens. When that did not occur, there was a great sense of relief. My adventure could now really begin!
As long as we are constantly hijacked by our Saboteurs, fear rules our lives and the lives of those around us. This takes place sometimes very obviously, sometimes more subtly. Fear’s toolbox contains a very powerful device that, if not addressed and relinquished, will ensure that the old order will forever rule the day. This device is denial. For many years I stewed in the juice of denial. Sara Bareilles describes the dynamic eloquently in her sublime song “Orpheus“:
Missing the world
The one you knew
The one where everything made sense because you
didn’t know the truth…..
Indeed, many of us didn’t know the truth for long stretches of our lives. Denial has an important role to play in our survival…
My general observations lead me to conclude that we are either in autopilot and react in line with the coping mechanisms and survival strategies we developed before our fourth birthday (approximately) or, having developed sufficient awareness, mindfulness, and mental fitness, we learn to pause before responding to whatever stimuli cross our paths in a conscious, loving manner – beneficial to the healing, growth, and joy of all concerned. The term “autopilot” may be considered charitable. Some would call it “sleepwalking through life” (Dr Allen Berger) or even refer to a “Zombie” existence. And of course, this is not an all-or-nothing phenomenon…
So, it was really telling when, in a recent yoga lesson, we went though balance exercises which included the Vrikshasana (The Tree Pose, where standing on one foot we bring the other to the inside of our upper thigh), that the terror of childhood – as a felt state – returned. My heart began to race; I began to sweat and couldn’t maintain my balance for longer that twenty seconds. Of even more interest was the fact that my breathing froze. Despite all the insights and, indeed, practice in so many other modalities and situations, here we had the default patterns re-asserting themselves immediately, and with a vengeance…
© 2022 SoberOasis | Patrick Little
