Like my seven brothers, I was keen and spent much of my time there on the river; sometimes for twelve hours or more on days after a night’s rain, eagerly practising the craft taught me in childhood by my father, who learnt it from his, etc. To my consternation, I was not as good, by far, as some other members of the family, and often felt under pressure to prove myself in the strange ways of unwritten family codes…
With lots of initial suffering, self-sabotage, grace, hard work, courage, and the help of others, my life has gradually been unfolding as a life of `engaged non-attachment´. It is a very purposeful, peaceful way to live, generally without pressure, internal or external…
Then there was the experience of mystery, especially in the realm of nature. The hatching of a butterfly from its pupae at this time of year, the slow transformation of tadpoles, losing their tails and gaining the legs of young frogs, the musical flow of a river as interpreted and conveyed to me by my father, a man very attuned to the effervescence of nature. These, and more, caught my attention and even enchanted me. I felt part of the mystery itself…
Since my early forties, I have learned to identify this saboteur even before it kicks into action. I can even anticipate it, as in the example of deciding to breathe consciously while meditating. After even one minute, during which my mind has strayed far from my original intention, the judge inside me is yelling: `You can’t even do that right!´ and follows on with the statement that `all this mindfulness work is simply beyond me, a total waste of time.´
One very accessible example of factor analysis, used by Shirzad Chamine in his Positive Intelligence (PQ) Coaching Programme is that of colours. If we were to ask a general audience how many colours exist, you may get a variety of answers, from hundreds to thousands, depending on their family status, education, pastimes, and interactions. Yet, we may remember hearing one time at school that there are only three primary colours; namely red, yellow, and blue, from which all the other colours are derived…
Desperation fuelled my courage to admit, for the first time, that there was a problem, and to ask for help. When this happened, my eyes were opened to the fact that addiction is a disease which cannot be overcome by will power. Power of a different quality, of frequencies higher than that the ego, were called for, if the malady were to be overcome. As Einstein often pointed out, we `cannot solve a problem on the same level of consciousness that produced the problem´…
My attention was first drawn to conscious breathing many years ago when, in an effort to strengthen my sense of embodiment, I first began to work out in the local gym. My trainer became exasperated because, instead of taking a deep breath before a moment of exertion, I would hold mine in..
`Well, as far as I can see from what we have unearthed to date, one aspect of your survival strategy in the very early years was to leave your body and take up residence in the various quarters of the mind: Logic, imagination, daydreaming, intellectual endeavours, analysis, pattern recognition, and the like. It is very understandable why you would have chosen this path, considering your emotional sensitivity and proclivity for sensory overload in the highly charged environment of your childhood. Now the time has come, however, for you to gradually begin to re-enter your body. It will do you good and will be helpful for the process we have embarked upon here.´
Two rich seams are coming together for me at the moment in which memory plays a central role. The first is my participation in the Positive Intelligence Programme, designed and delivered by Shirzad Chamine and his team in San Francisco. The thrust of this programme is to discover the saboteurs that stealthily create havoc in our lives until we bring them to light and disempower them, while bolstering our so-called innate Sage energies which recognise the gift in every single life situation, no matter how discomforting, and have the ability to provide purpose and lead us to true joy in our lives…
Thankfully, life generally provides the impetus to catch up on missed maturation at some later point, in the form of some crisis or other, which can be interpreted as an invitation to change. Should we decline the invitation, it will often pop up again at a later juncture, or even repeatedly, until we do respond and work through the issues which demand our attention…
As long as we are constantly hijacked by our Saboteurs, fear rules our lives and the lives of those around us. This takes place sometimes very obviously, sometimes more subtly. Fear’s toolbox contains a very powerful device that, if not addressed and relinquished, will ensure that the old order will forever rule the day. This device is denial. For many years I stewed in the juice of denial. Sara Bareilles describes the dynamic eloquently in her sublime song “Orpheus“:
Missing the world
The one you knew
The one where everything made sense because you
didn’t know the truth…..
Indeed, many of us didn’t know the truth for long stretches of our lives. Denial has an important role to play in our survival…
My general observations lead me to conclude that we are either in autopilot and react in line with the coping mechanisms and survival strategies we developed before our fourth birthday (approximately) or, having developed sufficient awareness, mindfulness, and mental fitness, we learn to pause before responding to whatever stimuli cross our paths in a conscious, loving manner – beneficial to the healing, growth, and joy of all concerned. The term “autopilot” may be considered charitable. Some would call it “sleepwalking through life” (Dr Allen Berger) or even refer to a “Zombie” existence. And of course, this is not an all-or-nothing phenomenon…
So, it was really telling when, in a recent yoga lesson, we went though balance exercises which included the Vrikshasana (The Tree Pose, where standing on one foot we bring the other to the inside of our upper thigh), that the terror of childhood – as a felt state – returned. My heart began to race; I began to sweat and couldn’t maintain my balance for longer that twenty seconds. Of even more interest was the fact that my breathing froze. Despite all the insights and, indeed, practice in so many other modalities and situations, here we had the default patterns re-asserting themselves immediately, and with a vengeance…
© 2022 SoberOasis | Patrick Little
